Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
