There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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