put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
