So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
