hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
