Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize