I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
