Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
We're not piercing ourselves today.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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