If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
