Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
