Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
