You're completely useless in the revolution.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
