Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
