I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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