if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I've blown a few things in my day
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
