She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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