I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
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