I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
