If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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