I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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