I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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