I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
