Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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