I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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