we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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