if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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