I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
