If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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