I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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