just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The power of my boobs compel you
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
