I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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