even my farts smell like vagina
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
