Who wears a wallet chain?!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
