Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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