I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
