tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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