Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
