I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I deserve this hangover.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
