Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
