I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize