seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just cropdusted the office
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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