The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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