just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
