You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
