Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
