if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
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