just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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