you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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