Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
