There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
