I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
So. Much. Porn.
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