somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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