I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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