I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
