im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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