i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
