I could make wine with my vomit
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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